Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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