i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
