Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
