I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
