On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
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