I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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