wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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