just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
