The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
