next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
