Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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