**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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