I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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