yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
