The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
