who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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