He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
