I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
