I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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