My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
