You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
