i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
