new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
