i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
