I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
