chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I need to calm my uterus...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
