I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
