I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize