i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
