From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
