Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
