I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
