Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
