Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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