Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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