guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
