She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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