Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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