The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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