I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
