Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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