my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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