Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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