me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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