how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
