Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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