I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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