I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This house was built for laser tag.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
