It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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