Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
