Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
