He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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