i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I am full of burrito and curiosity
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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