i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
