guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
