I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
