what day is it and did you see me today?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize